T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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