how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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