at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
40s are totally the cure
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
