I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
