Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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