you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
