We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
