I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
