tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
