My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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