We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
