Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
