I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
