She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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