Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You can't just leave with hair like that
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
