You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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