I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
