i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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