she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
