My Higher Power is John Stamos
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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