I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
