i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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