we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
