I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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