when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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