She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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