my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
