Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
