pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
