I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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