I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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