So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
