I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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