I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
this just has baby written all over it
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
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