I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
