Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
