Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
