Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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