peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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