i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
