can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
