I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
