You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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