Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize