Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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