Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
