he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
