matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
