woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
