Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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