Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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