low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
last night I used snow as a chaser
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
