Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just had sex on a roof
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
