Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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