I wish my penis had an off switch
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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