My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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