if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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