They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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