I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
