The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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