It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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