the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
