Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
